Saturday, October 3, 2009

FUCK Australia

I have recently developed a very strong aversion to Australia and vow to never go there. Even if it's free. They would have to pay me a lot to go, and if that ever happened I would seriously stay in an air-conditioned mall the whole time. I don't want to go somewhere that I can't go outside. While doing a bit of research for this post I came across a forum where it is mostly some Alaskan douche and some Australians having it out. Here are some highlights of that before I move on...

The Alaskan:
Being from Alaska; I'd have to say I'd rather take my chances with an 800 lb grizzly bear than some of the shit you got down there. No poisonous stuff up there in my frozen north; poison is playing dirty.

Some Australian Douche:
I'm slightly offended that people are scared to come to Australia due to our deadly animals, but fucking proud at the same time.

This is someone defending the Alaskan after some of the forum jerks were making fun of him: Oh, com'on, give them a break! They have to defend USA by keeping an eye on both Russian and Canadian day and night!Russia is actually a lesser problem now because Canadian is the real socialist! People in Alaska would rather die free and broke than to live under any form of Universal Health Coverage!

Another Australian:
I'm continually amazed that the funnel web is so common in Sydney and is absolutely screaming death on legs, aggressive enough to chase you across the yard, and can survive for days at the bottom of your swimming pool when they fall in. Lots of people get bitten swimming.

Anyways, enough of that shit. Funnel web spiders are scary fucking things. That alone is enough reason to stay the fuck out of Australia. It will kill you in 20 mins and only one person has ever survived. She was in the city, really close to the poison science place. There's a ton more poisonous spiders there, too many to list them all really. The funnel web is pretty huge which is frightening but what is more unnerving is the fact that many of the spiders that will kill the fuck out of you are really small and almost unnoticable. There's scorpions too. Basically everything is poisonous. Even the fucking platypus.


According to the internets, 7/10 of the world's most poisonous snakes live in Australia. Not to mention these constrictor assholes...

Once you get past all the terrible animals that live there on land, there's the ocean...this may seem lovely and people talk about that reef business all the time and how awesome it is but it will also seriously fuck you up. As soon as you get to the beach its going to be swarming with smarmy fucking surfer douches.

As if that wasn't bad enough, there's jellyfish, stingrays, sharks, crocodiles and lots more that will just straight up kill you.




I don't really like the ocean to begin with (stinky, unpleasant to be all salty, scary shit in there) and there's no good lakes in Australia. For the most part it's desert. Even if there were, there would be shit scarier than the stuff in the ocean around here. Apparently the people are misogynistic douches which is just fantastic. The schools there have uniforms. It's too fucking hot all the time but you wouldn't want to wear anything like SHORTS because the asshole spiders and shit will be all up in you. Another terrible part of Australia is the accent, which may seem novel when its one person in Canada but when EVERYONE talks like that it would get old fast. The only people without accents would be fat american tourists which are best avoided like, well, Australia.


A couple of other points: they drive on the wrong side of the road, its too big to really see the place in a vacation span of time, there's no health care so if you happen to get fucked by any of the asshole animals then good luck getting taken care of, and of course- vegimite.

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